got a new one for multiple reasons, not going to explain. just go to that one, kay? kay.

We’re back together. =P

I’m scared because I don’t want to be hurt again. The feeling I had for the last three days was so horrible.

I was such a wreck that when anyone even sounded like they were going to raise their voice at me, I’d tear up. I didn’t let myself actually cry, but I wanted to several times yesterday.

I got grounded because when Dad asked me to come home, I snapped at him, Candice had to do my chores and they blamed me being “grumpy” on lack of sleep because I was at Meghan’s. No one even asked what was wrong.

Yesterday, before we had broken up, I told Matt that Victor had said he wanted to talk to me. Matt goes, “Promise we’ll still be best friends after you talk?” and it seriously made my day. I’m so insecure about him caring about me that it’s insane.

Happy. (:

Kenzie comes home tomorrowww. DD

Summer has been fairly amazing <3

I’ve been hanging out with Meghan and Matt a lot recently. Matt and Kenzie are back together. It’s so cute.(:

I spent time with Cameron on Friday and stayed over at Shaina’s then, too, and Cameron wants me to come back over tomorrow after church. She’s Lutheran, which is Christian, too, so I’m going to try to get her to come to Youth Group. I love new friends. (:

this blog entry feels so .. fake, i don’t really know why.. xD

Talking to Meela’s boyfriend <3 I told her she’d find someone. ^^

Sam.

i put my faith in you

so much faith

and then you

just

threw it away.

I keep having horrible dreams that have to do with him.

In one dream, I was hugging him, and he was hugging me back. He asked, “So this is it?” and I didn’t answer.. I didn’t want that to be “it.” I stood there hugging him some more, and then someone walks by and goes, “So, you’re just friends?” and he shrugs me off and says, “yeah.”

In another one, we were being all lovey-dovey, and then I went to take a shower. When I got out of the shower, I saw his phone. There was a text from Shaina tweeting, freaking out because he broke up with me. I started panicking, I started getting that sinking feeling, like nothing could ever make me feel worse. There were two more texts, but I was afraid to read them and I didn’t want him to know I was reading them. I searched frantically for a way to make the message appear as unread, but I couldn’t find the option and eventually just set the phone back down. There was a red-headed girl that I guess I was friends with, and at this point I was still freaking out, trying to figure out what was going on. I was aware of victor and shaina sitting together to my left, but I was listening to the red-head. she goes, “I am so proud of you.” and I was like, “why?” and she said, “He broke up with you and you’re still acting like my friend and not being all weird.” and it was then that I admitted that I had no idea what was going on, that he hadn’t told me he was breaking up with me. I didn’t say all of that, but the tone in my voice when I said, “He broke up with me?” seemed to say it for me. I woke up sobbing from that dream, and when I woke up, I couldn’t even tell if it was a dream or not because I still had that feeling.

The third dream, I was at this big place and I knew he was there somewhere, but I figured I would go off and do my own thing and wait for him to finish his thing and we’d talk later. I ran into him, and I grab him around the waist to get his hug and attention, and he just shrugged me off without even looking at me or saying anything. It was scary.

I’m hoping these dreams stop, they scare me.

Going to bed!

I don’t even think I was honest with him with the intent of breaking up with him. I was telling him exactly what he was getting himself into with my indecisiveness. honestly, I thought he was going to break up with me. He keeps asking me what I want, how much time I need, and I can’t answer either of those. I don’t know why I was honest with him. I did it because I felt like I was lying to him by letting him think that I’m always 100% appreciative of the relationship like he is.

There are times when I all I want is to be around him and with him, but there are times when that’s the exact opposite of everything I want. I don’t know why I’m like this. I can’t tell if it’s me just needed space and being independent or if I don’t want to be in the relationship. But, I should need space for a week before I want to be with him.

The only thing that I am completely sure of right now is that I love him. That’s it. I don’t know if I like being in a relationship, but that doesn’t stop me from loving him. It might stop him from loving me, though, and then..

Matt’s going to hate me. I don’t know why, but he’s the one person who when he’s mad at me, I’m a mess. Usually if someone is mad at me, I tell them to get over it because it’s stupid or I talk to them and I’m able to fix it. That doesn’t work with Matt. I can pretend to ignore that he’s ignoring me, but it hurts. It hurts more than it should, meaning I probably trust him too much, let myself get too attached. There’s no going back now, though.

Someone come fix this, please.

One minute, all I want is for him to be near me

in that minute, all i want to do is kiss him

and the idea of having a boyfriend gives me butterflies

of the most intense nature.

but the next second

all i want is to be left alone

i feel like all the walls are closing

in on me

and i have no way out.

I can’t figure out what i actually want,

because as soon as i think i do,

something happens and what i want changes.

so, what do i want?

Victor

today you kissed me. . . ok uhmm follow this logic ok xD

usually i kiss you right?

well yeah

and today

like after i kissed you by that teeter totter/death trap thing. . . you kissed me back

and it was kinda offguard and well

it was grreat

lol

i love you

(:

Blahhh, I got to see him todayy, and it’s Saturdayy D

Just. (: It was the first time I actually kissed him, and it was like one of those where he’s still close to my face, and the tension’s all fkhjdg and yeah. He was all :O after that. xD